Looking in the Mirror

Teachers have a very difficult job, but it is the little moments that get them through each day.  Last week, I had one of those moments.  I had been struggling to understand my younger student's attitude toward school.  So, on Friday, it all came to a screeching halt.  K had a quiz that I had told her about and given some review to help her study.  I asked her to get out the work, so we could go over it.  We went over the answers, and they were wrong.  So, I asked her if she used her book to find the answers.  And, she said no.  I asked her if she asked anyone for help.  And, she said everyone was busy.  I asked her why she didn't ask me for help.  And, she didn't have an answer.  

K and me

Finally, I said, "Those are all excuses, K.  And, I won't accept excuses from you.  I live here.  There is no reason why you can't ask me or someone else for help."  Her eyes changed.  I said, "What's wrong K?  You don't have a good attitude.  You aren't doing your work.  You won't ask for help.  You aren't trying."  And, the tears began to flow.  I continued to push.  K said, "I'm not smart.  I can't make good grades.  I fail everything."  I know my eyes changed after that.  Something inside me snapped.  I looked directly into her beautiful brown eyes.  I said, "K, you are smart!  You are very smart.  But, you are not even trying.  What do you think I expect out of you?"  K said, "You expect me to make A's."  I said, "No.  I expect you to do your very best.  It may be hard for you.  You may study and only make B's or C's.  But, if you do your very best, that is all anyone can ask of you."  Her face changed.  We talked in this circle for a long time.  Finally, I said, "So, will you promise to try, K?  Will you do your very best?"  She said she would and seemed shocked at what I had told her.

I know that whole conversation was probably confusing.  It probably wasn't as heartbreaking to you as it was to me.  But, as I sat and looked at K across the dinner table, I realized two things.  I realized that some teacher somewhere along the way told her that she was trash.  Some teacher told her that she wasn't good enough or smart enough.  Some teacher told her that she was stupid and would never make good grades.  And, somewhere along the way, K began to believe that about herself.

The other thing is that K often compares herself to other people.  She puts herself down.  Teaching K is like looking in the mirror everyday.  She reminds me so much of myself.  I have a huge problem with the same issue.  Mine is much worse than hers though.  And, since I've been here, it has been pointed out to me on a weekly basis.  I have heard about it in every weekly meeting that I've gone to here.  I've heard about it from other people, who have just met me and notice it.  I even heard about the week before I left to come here.  If I have to hear one more thing about self-worth, confidence, or accepting grace, I'm going to scream!  I get the message.  Loud and clear.  I have a problem with thinking I am not good enough.  I decide I can't do something before I even try it.  I expect to do things perfectly the first time.  I am very hard on myself.  I am my own worst critic.  I am aware.  On a daily basis, I am aware.  And, every day as I tell K she can do it and she is smart, I am also telling myself.  I am trying to work on it.  It is not easy.  And, it will not change overnight.  I will always struggle with this.  But, I am trying to change.  I am.