Over the last week or two, I've really done alot of thinking. I do alot of that anyway - thinking. But, it's happened more so lately. I've been thinking about this whole thing. Whatever this "thing" is that I'm doing here. And, I'm not sure all this thinking has gotten me anywhere. So far, I have decided that I haven't been a good enough teacher, haven't learned enough of the language, haven't built enough relationships, haven't taught enough English, and haven't done anything really all that important. It really is something I've struggled with on a daily basis here. I don't feel like anything I'm doing is significant.
All this lead me to several places. Last week, I had a very meaningful lunch with one of my friends here. I say friend, but she is old enough to be my mother. Her name is Jamye. She is a cancer survivor, mom, wife, teacher, and mentor. She is like the accountability / wise council / free therapy I didn't ask for, but have been given anyway. She has been a great help to me. She homeschooled all of her children, two of which are grown and living in the states now. At lunch, we were supposed to be talking about homeschooling stuff and ended up talking mostly about me. Jamye said many things I needed to hear. Things I need to hear almost on a weekly basis. She basically said that I need to learn to give myself grace. I am willing to give grace to others. But, when it comes to me, I have a very hard time giving myself grace. She also pointed out that this time (right now) maybe more "about me" than I want it to be. I may need to learn some things about myself that I have not been able to learn anywhere else. And, for me, that was hard to hear. I kinda already knew it, but it was still hard to hear.
Then, yesterday, I was talking to my Brazilian mom (who's not really old enough to be my mom) about similar things. This was not the first time we have had this conversation. While riding in a taxi home from buying a few groceries, I said, "I'm not doing anything important here." Of course, she got that look on her face. It's that look that I believe all mothers have. That look like they see more of you than you yourself can see. She reassured me for the hundredth time that what I am doing is very important. And, I'm sure I looked back at her with unbelief all over my face. Later on that night, she said, "Sara, what do you think is important? You want to do something important. What do you think is important?" I couldn't really answer her. I think I mustered an, "I don't know."
In all of this thinking, I have come to somewhat of a conclusion. Now that I'm here, I realize my coming has not changed East Asia. My getting on a plane and flying across the world did not actually change the world. I have not done anything all that important. Not only that, but my view of things is kinda skewed. What is expected of me is really pretty simple. I just need to obey. That's what got me here in the first place. :) My time here is not about how many "good things" I do. It is not about meeting people's expectations. It is not about feeling like my work is important.
My focus should be on Him. In Him, I find my purpose and significance. Anything I do in my own power and ability is meaningless. I think I make it all too difficult. All that is asked of me is that I obey. I was never asked to change the world. I was never asked to take on all the problems of the world and change it overnight. I put that burden, that expectation on myself. Not even He expects that out of me. So. . . I am taking a deep breath. I am stepping back (figuratively). I am taking a little time. And, I am trying to be still. I am trying to listen and simply obey.
All this lead me to several places. Last week, I had a very meaningful lunch with one of my friends here. I say friend, but she is old enough to be my mother. Her name is Jamye. She is a cancer survivor, mom, wife, teacher, and mentor. She is like the accountability / wise council / free therapy I didn't ask for, but have been given anyway. She has been a great help to me. She homeschooled all of her children, two of which are grown and living in the states now. At lunch, we were supposed to be talking about homeschooling stuff and ended up talking mostly about me. Jamye said many things I needed to hear. Things I need to hear almost on a weekly basis. She basically said that I need to learn to give myself grace. I am willing to give grace to others. But, when it comes to me, I have a very hard time giving myself grace. She also pointed out that this time (right now) maybe more "about me" than I want it to be. I may need to learn some things about myself that I have not been able to learn anywhere else. And, for me, that was hard to hear. I kinda already knew it, but it was still hard to hear.
Then, yesterday, I was talking to my Brazilian mom (who's not really old enough to be my mom) about similar things. This was not the first time we have had this conversation. While riding in a taxi home from buying a few groceries, I said, "I'm not doing anything important here." Of course, she got that look on her face. It's that look that I believe all mothers have. That look like they see more of you than you yourself can see. She reassured me for the hundredth time that what I am doing is very important. And, I'm sure I looked back at her with unbelief all over my face. Later on that night, she said, "Sara, what do you think is important? You want to do something important. What do you think is important?" I couldn't really answer her. I think I mustered an, "I don't know."
In all of this thinking, I have come to somewhat of a conclusion. Now that I'm here, I realize my coming has not changed East Asia. My getting on a plane and flying across the world did not actually change the world. I have not done anything all that important. Not only that, but my view of things is kinda skewed. What is expected of me is really pretty simple. I just need to obey. That's what got me here in the first place. :) My time here is not about how many "good things" I do. It is not about meeting people's expectations. It is not about feeling like my work is important.
My focus should be on Him. In Him, I find my purpose and significance. Anything I do in my own power and ability is meaningless. I think I make it all too difficult. All that is asked of me is that I obey. I was never asked to change the world. I was never asked to take on all the problems of the world and change it overnight. I put that burden, that expectation on myself. Not even He expects that out of me. So. . . I am taking a deep breath. I am stepping back (figuratively). I am taking a little time. And, I am trying to be still. I am trying to listen and simply obey.
