Crazy

That's what I must be - crazy.  This is the heap of books that arrived at my house today.  When I saw them packaged in FOUR boxes, I freaked out.  Of course, the teacher in me had to double check and make sure I had all the items I was supposed to have.  And, believe it or not, there is one book missing.  CRAZY!!!  That's what I am.  What am I thinking?  I have no idea what I'm doing or how I'm getting all these books and my own belongings to the other side of the world.  But, it's happening.  Somehow.

Speaking of crazy, that's what I've been thinking a lot lately.  This whole thing is crazy.  And, yet, I'm still going.  I don't say that to make myself sound better than anyone else.  If you knew how many times a day I cry or quesion whether I'm doing the right thing, you wouldn't think very highly of me.  I'm going because I know I'd be miserable if I stayed here.  I know this coming school year would be the worst of my life, if I didn't do this.  Whatever "this" is.  I'm still not sure.  So, I'm hoping people don't get annoyed when I can't explain myself very clearly.  When I understand it all and have the words to explain it, believe me - I will.  But, right now on this side of things, I don't.  It's just a little crazy.

Worry

When I was in elementary school, I had to take one of those dreaded standardized tests.  I don't remember what grade I was in or how old I was.  But, I remember the day of the test.  I had worried myself sick about that day.  As we were about to begin the test, I got sick.  I threw up all over my papers and desk. 

I'm a worrier.  I have been for as long as I can remember.  I worry about lots of things.  And, when I can't think of anything to worry about, I worry about that.  I've been worrying alot lately.  I worry about this journey I'm trying to take.  I worry about what I will pack.  I worry about traveling alone to a place I've never been 7,000 miles away.  I worry I will not be able to learn the language.  I worry I won't be equipped to teach the children I've been entrusted with.  I worry I'm not good enough for the opportunity I've been given.  I worry I'll feel alone and not be present where I am.  I worry that I'm disappointing people.  I worry that I'm a failure because I don't have a well established career.  I worry that life will happen while I'm gone.  I worry that I'll be replaced.  I worry that I'll be forgotten.  I worry that no one will notice when I'm gone, because I wasn't doing anything meaningful while I was here.  I worry.

And, in all of this, there comes a point when I have to stop and breathe.  And, that's when I realize.  I get NOTHING accomplished by worrying.  It is a waste of time and energy.  By worrying, I am actually saying that I am in control.  My life is not my own.  I don't run the show.  So, I'll put all these things I try to control in hands that are much bigger than mine.  I'll let much stronger shoulders carry the weight of what is to come and how things will turn out.  Tomorrow, I'll have to do it all over again. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after. . .

It's official

Some of my friends and family have assured me that they would read a blog, if I created one for the next phase of life I'm about to embark upon.  So, let me begin by saying something.  It is your choice to read this blog.  It's more for me than it is for anyone else.  You may not agree with the things I say here.  And, that's ok.  But, remember, noone forced you to read this. 

Today, I learned that my adventure to East Asia over the next year is really about to happen.  In a matter of weeks, I'll be leaving.  I wasn't sure how I would feel when I realized this was really happening.  But, today, that feeling happened.  I held a copy of my flight itinerary in my hand and just looked.  I looked at the dates, times, and destinations.  And, then, I looked at the calendar.  It's weeks away.  Weeks.

Lately, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel.  Most of the time, it feels like I'm already gone.  I'll be with a group of people.  Someone will mention upcoming plans or events that will take place.  And, then, they look at me and say, "Oh, you won't be here then.  Will you?"  I'm not sure how to respond to that.  I know noone means anything by it.  But, I have to admit.  It feels a little strange.  I mean let's just be honest.  I'm not dying or going somewhere to die.  I'm just leaving for a season.  And, while I want to be here and not miss out on living life with the people I cherish most, I kinda want to be somewhere else.  I want to be there already and stop just talking about it.  I want to have a place and a purpose.  I want to not be somewhere in the middle. 

In the meantime, however, I'll take these weeks I have left.  And, instead of reading too much into what people say or what they mean by it, I'll just be.  I'll try to be in the moment.  I'll soak up every minute with friends and family.  I'll be here.  Because I know, I'm here right now for a reason.  And, when it's time, I'll be somewhere else.  Because, in case you didn't know, it's official.