Nurse Jennifer

Well, that's what my dad calls her anyway.  He also calls her his other daughter.  Jennifer works in an emergency room as a pediatric nurse.  She loves children.  And, I have never known anyone, who has such a heart for working with kids.  When Jennifer meets kids, it's like she's wearing candy-scented perfume.  I'm serious.  It's crazy how children are drawn to her and how deeply she cares for them.  While I've never seen her in action at work, I can't imagine that you'd want anyone else taking care of your child.  In her job, Jennifer often meets people on the worst day of their lives.  Yet, I know she is there to comfort them regardless of the circumstances.

Me and my best friend

In addition to loving kids, Jen serves other people with a passion you won't find in anyone else.  It doesn't matter who you are or what the situation is.  You could just get sick on a trip with Jen.  And, you can count on the fact that she will lose sleep to take care of you.  You could be going through the deepest valley in your life, and Jen will find a way to help you look up out of it.  She will cook meals for you, leave flowers on your porch, write you notes, visit you in the hospital, drive long distances to see you, and do almost anything to let you know she cares.  She will be there for you in any and every way possible.  And, if you're one of her family members, you should know you basically just won the lottery.  She will be there for you like no other daughter, sister, sister-in-law, granddaughter, niece, cousin, or future-aunt.  I've seen Jennifer care for her family.  I've stood in hospital rooms, nursing homes, and memorial services with Jen.  Even when she has cared for her family until the end, she honors them in their death.  She puts her whole self into it.  She loves and serves until it hurts.

So, as Jennifer's best friend, I know what it is to know her.  She has been there for me whenever I needed her.  She has supported and encouraged me to no end.  (One blog post doesn't begin to cover it.)  She has become a part of my family.  We've lived life together.  We've gone through many difficult things together.  We've dreamed big dreams together.  I normally talk to her on a daily basis.  We spend alot of time together.  And, being here without her is very difficult.  I miss her terribly.  (Of course, she's not the only one I miss!)  It sucks actually.  I really hate that part of it.  I think about her every day.  I think of things I would tell her, if I could just pick up the phone and call.  And, really, I don't care if people think I'm pathetic for that.  You can think what you want to think.  I'll just say this much.  If you haven't met or known Jennifer, you have no place to judge me.  You don't even know what you're missing.

Foregoing Fall

For the last few days (maybe weeks), I've been thinking about fall in Memphis.  I've reminisced over all the memories of this time last year.  And, I am missing fall.  Fall is my favorite season.  I love the colors of the trees and the crisp autumn air.  I love the crunch of leaves under your feet.  I love warm drinks and how I think they actually taste like fall.  I love the way a scarf feels around your neck.  I love bonfires and roasting marshmallows.  I love hayrides and looking at the stars.  I love carving pumpkins and seeing other people's creativity in that.  I love dressing up at the close of October and passing out candy to cute kids.

But, this year is much different than all my autumns before.  I will miss so many things.  I will miss going to the pumpkin patch with the cutest, red headed, little girl I've ever seen.  She calls me Aunt Sara.  (It's an honorary "aunt thing", but important just the same.)  I will miss taking pictures of her and stuffing a scarecrow together.  I will miss carving pumpkins with my friends.  I will miss long conversations with some of my favorite people over steaming cups of warm apple cider and pumpkin spice lattes.  I will miss planning my costume with friends for the best fall festival on earth and trying to top last year's idea.  (Please see picture to the right.  Yep, we WERE the Wizard of Oz).  I will miss so many things.

I am, however, trying to see the bright side of this.  So, do not be mislead.  I am not foregoing fall.  No, it is just different this year.  While I will miss my Memphis fall, I am determined not to miss it altogether.  This will be my first East Asian fall.  People here are already big fans of two of the official colors of fall - red and yellow.  So, that's good.  If I have to buy an Asian pumpkin to carve, I will.  If hot, spiced tea is the best drink I can find, it will have to do.  And, if I am the only one to dress up and pass out candy, it will be ok.  I am betting I can find some pretty cute kids to join in.  But, I refuse to miss fall.

Language Barrier and Frustration

I've been going to language classes since the beginning of September.  (I realize that's not a long time.)  Yesterday, during class, I was attempting to learn the pronunciation of some new words.  I became very frustrated very quickly.  Let me try to explain.  In this language, there are many complicated things to learn.  There is a system called Pinyin.  It is equivalent to the alphabet in the English language.  Also, there are characters.  These are symbols or the actual written language.  Characters are like pictures that represent words.  Currently, I am trying to learn Pinyin.  In addition, the language is tonal.  There are four tones and one neutral tone (or so I thought).  When you read words written in Pinyin, the tone marks are written above the words.

As I was trying to learn the new words, my teacher began to explain that they are written in third tone.  But, the words are not pronounced in the third tone.  What?!?!  Hold on.  Then, why are they written to make you think you are supposed to pronounce them that way?  In the words of my teacher, "That would be too much work."  She demonstrated.  In the third tone, your voice starts at a high pitch, goes down, and back up again.  So, a long word with three third tone marks over it is very tiring to pronounce.  After she demonstrated, she said, "See.  That sounds weird.  No one will say a word like that."  Of course, this set me into a rage.  I contained myself fairly well though.  :)

The problem is that I see things in black and white.  I don't know why.  It probably has something to do with my type A personality, perfectionist tendencies, and desire for things to be neat and orderly.  It bothers me that this language doesn't always make sense.  It bothers me that its native speakers don't even understand it.  It also bothers me that I continue to keep meeting foreigners, who speak the language fluently.  Not to mention, the others who speak three and four languages fluently.  People, like that, just generally tick me off.  It irritates me how they can switch back and forth between three languages with such ease.  I feel stupid around people like this.  And, before coming here, I considered myself to be a fairly educated person.

But, this is what I know.  I need to be more patient with myself.  I need to realize that this stuff doesn't happen overnight.  It takes years of hard work and practice.  For many, it takes alot of sweat and tears.  I need to not be afraid to mess up.  I need to remember that every language has its quirks, especially English.  To me, it makes sense.  But, to most people, it is quite difficult (even for native English speakers).  And, many times, even I (the English major, English teacher, grammar guru, wanna-be writer) cannot explain it.  Sounds familiar, now that I think about it. 

A Few Firsts

Over the weekend, I decided I would be adventurous and go somewhere new - by myself.  (I know it's earth-shattering news, right?)  But, there are many issues for me when I go places alone.  I can't speak the language, have no idea what the street names are or how to pronounce them, and am generally just bad with directions.  So, anyway, I had planned to meet up with some new friends for dinner.  (The first time I've hung out with people my own age since I've been here.)  I ended up getting off the bus several stops too soon.  So, I decided I would walk down the street and try to figure out where I was.  That obviously didn't work.  I called my Brazilian mom and asked if she could help me.  Of course, I had no idea where I was or how to explain it.  She told me to hand the phone to someone, who was working in one of the stores nearby.  After thinking about it for a few minutes and how dumb I would look, I finally did just that.  I met one guy, who spoke a little English.  He was trying to buy something (poor guy).  So, he talked on my cell phone, and the lady working there talked on my cell.  I called the girls I was supposed to be meeting for dinner.  Finally, I realized two things.  The guy, who spoke a little English, had just moved to this city.  And, I should get back on the bus and keep going a little further.  I made it successfully to dinner, ate a real hamburger and fries, and had great time.

That was Saturday night.  On Sunday afternoon, I went to tutor my new student, Frank.  (That's not his real name.  All the people here give themselves American names, so it is easier for people like me to pronounce.)  It was only our third time meeting.  Frank is 15 and knows much more English than he lets on.  The first time I went to his house, his mother practically shoved me into his room.  She told Frank to speak English with me.  She wanted to close the door, but again my Brazilian mother didn't let that happen.  The second time I went to his house, I sat on the couch between Frank and his mother the entire time I was there.  His mother kept trying to understand what we were saying.  She would type words into her cell phone and show them to me in English.  She kept finding more books to help us study.  It was pretty funny.  On this, our third meeting, I still wasn't sure what I would "teach" Frank.  I tried using a book I thought would be challenging for him.  But, he knew all the answers.  Finally, we decided to use a book and video program his mother bought.  We watched an episode of the video about some American chick named Rebecca.  After the episode, I went through the corresponding section in the book.  Frank had to answer questions about the video.  It was much more challenging for him.  He said the people talked too fast.  (Welcome to my life, Frank!)

The point is this.  I am experiencing many firsts here.  I am trying to be more independent and go and do things on my own.  It is not always easy.  I do not always enjoy being the entertainment for other people around me.  But, there is something to be said for the feeling I get from actually succeeding.  It's kinda empowering.  Also, I am trying to teach English as a second language for the first time.  I have no idea what I'm doing!  But, it's fun trying.  And, really, I could care less if Frank's English improves.  I have much more important things to talk to him about.  :)

Looking in the Mirror

Teachers have a very difficult job, but it is the little moments that get them through each day.  Last week, I had one of those moments.  I had been struggling to understand my younger student's attitude toward school.  So, on Friday, it all came to a screeching halt.  K had a quiz that I had told her about and given some review to help her study.  I asked her to get out the work, so we could go over it.  We went over the answers, and they were wrong.  So, I asked her if she used her book to find the answers.  And, she said no.  I asked her if she asked anyone for help.  And, she said everyone was busy.  I asked her why she didn't ask me for help.  And, she didn't have an answer.  

K and me

Finally, I said, "Those are all excuses, K.  And, I won't accept excuses from you.  I live here.  There is no reason why you can't ask me or someone else for help."  Her eyes changed.  I said, "What's wrong K?  You don't have a good attitude.  You aren't doing your work.  You won't ask for help.  You aren't trying."  And, the tears began to flow.  I continued to push.  K said, "I'm not smart.  I can't make good grades.  I fail everything."  I know my eyes changed after that.  Something inside me snapped.  I looked directly into her beautiful brown eyes.  I said, "K, you are smart!  You are very smart.  But, you are not even trying.  What do you think I expect out of you?"  K said, "You expect me to make A's."  I said, "No.  I expect you to do your very best.  It may be hard for you.  You may study and only make B's or C's.  But, if you do your very best, that is all anyone can ask of you."  Her face changed.  We talked in this circle for a long time.  Finally, I said, "So, will you promise to try, K?  Will you do your very best?"  She said she would and seemed shocked at what I had told her.

I know that whole conversation was probably confusing.  It probably wasn't as heartbreaking to you as it was to me.  But, as I sat and looked at K across the dinner table, I realized two things.  I realized that some teacher somewhere along the way told her that she was trash.  Some teacher told her that she wasn't good enough or smart enough.  Some teacher told her that she was stupid and would never make good grades.  And, somewhere along the way, K began to believe that about herself.

The other thing is that K often compares herself to other people.  She puts herself down.  Teaching K is like looking in the mirror everyday.  She reminds me so much of myself.  I have a huge problem with the same issue.  Mine is much worse than hers though.  And, since I've been here, it has been pointed out to me on a weekly basis.  I have heard about it in every weekly meeting that I've gone to here.  I've heard about it from other people, who have just met me and notice it.  I even heard about the week before I left to come here.  If I have to hear one more thing about self-worth, confidence, or accepting grace, I'm going to scream!  I get the message.  Loud and clear.  I have a problem with thinking I am not good enough.  I decide I can't do something before I even try it.  I expect to do things perfectly the first time.  I am very hard on myself.  I am my own worst critic.  I am aware.  On a daily basis, I am aware.  And, every day as I tell K she can do it and she is smart, I am also telling myself.  I am trying to work on it.  It is not easy.  And, it will not change overnight.  I will always struggle with this.  But, I am trying to change.  I am.

Elevation and Fear

For starters, I would just like for it to be known that I am VERY frustrated with the internet here.  I have lots of pictures I would like to share and tell you about, but that it is next to impossible currently.  Just to give you an idea . . . the options and headings on this page are written in a different language.  It is the fourth different language I have seen this week, including English.

This week has been an interesting one.  I had my first language class on Monday.  It was way better than I expected it to be, as most things are.  My teacher is very nice.  She is probably around my age or a little younger.  And, she is very patient with me.  She has no idea what she's gotten herself into.  :)  I will have lessons three days a week: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  Each lesson is an hour and a half long.  I am trying it out for the month of September.  Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  I take the bus there and back by myself.  I took a bus somewhere by myself last week for the first time.  Not an amazing accomplishment, but I was kinda proud of myself.

the view from the school where I take language classes

For your free fact of the day, I thought I would give you a little lesson on elevation.  The city I am living in is much different from what I'm used to.  This city is at an elevation of 6,207 feet above sea level.  Whereas, Memphis is 331 feet above sea level.  Soooo, that explains alot about how I feel here sometimes.  It is very important to drink lots of water here.  Otherwise, you are more likely to suffer from symptoms of altitude sickness.  For me, if I don't drink enough water, I tend to feel dizzy and lightheaded.  Also, there is very little moisture in the air here.  So, your skin and hair become dry easily.  I'm sure you wanted to know all that.  :)

And, as for fear, I just wanted to say a few things about it.  Before I came here, I allowed fear to fully overwhelm me.  And, it did.  I cried so much the week before I left that it was ridiculous.  Fear had such a grip on me that I became physically ill.  My stomach was in knots, and I couldn't eat.  I couldn't even sleep.  And, if you know me, you know that's not normal.  I actually had to take a sleeping pill the night before I left.  Crazy!  But, I am here now.  And, it is not always easy.  Every day is not like a Hallmark movie.  It is often quite challenging and difficult.  But, all the fears I had before I came are gone.  None of them came true.

Fear is stupid.  It is.  Fear can paralyze a person, if they allow it to.  Fear can keep people from fully being who they are.  Fear can cause people to doubt and question.  Fear can prevent people from taking risks and doing what they know they're supposed to do.  Fear can be powerful.  But, we are the ones who give it power.