Worry

When I was in elementary school, I had to take one of those dreaded standardized tests.  I don't remember what grade I was in or how old I was.  But, I remember the day of the test.  I had worried myself sick about that day.  As we were about to begin the test, I got sick.  I threw up all over my papers and desk. 

I'm a worrier.  I have been for as long as I can remember.  I worry about lots of things.  And, when I can't think of anything to worry about, I worry about that.  I've been worrying alot lately.  I worry about this journey I'm trying to take.  I worry about what I will pack.  I worry about traveling alone to a place I've never been 7,000 miles away.  I worry I will not be able to learn the language.  I worry I won't be equipped to teach the children I've been entrusted with.  I worry I'm not good enough for the opportunity I've been given.  I worry I'll feel alone and not be present where I am.  I worry that I'm disappointing people.  I worry that I'm a failure because I don't have a well established career.  I worry that life will happen while I'm gone.  I worry that I'll be replaced.  I worry that I'll be forgotten.  I worry that no one will notice when I'm gone, because I wasn't doing anything meaningful while I was here.  I worry.

And, in all of this, there comes a point when I have to stop and breathe.  And, that's when I realize.  I get NOTHING accomplished by worrying.  It is a waste of time and energy.  By worrying, I am actually saying that I am in control.  My life is not my own.  I don't run the show.  So, I'll put all these things I try to control in hands that are much bigger than mine.  I'll let much stronger shoulders carry the weight of what is to come and how things will turn out.  Tomorrow, I'll have to do it all over again. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after. . .